Valentines Day Ramble

Up too late. 

Thoughts of you keep me from my pillow. 

Unsure of where this is going. 

Scared. Nervous. Confused and cautious.

But none of this is enough to keep me away. 

Your pull is to strong.

Compelling enough to keep me from running the opposite way.

So split into two

One side avoiding the need to go further

Feels theres no need for any pressure

Its too delicate now.

Its fragility is dangerous.

But its that same thing that attracts the opposite 

Danger makes it all the more interesting

All the more wanted

I need to know. 

But cant Bear to ask

So I wait patiently

But I'll be the first to admit that I'm enjoying this whole mess

The Scars Of My Past

This is a recently revised work of mine that I wrote a few years ago. I found it and thought that I should finally share it with the world instead of having it locked and boarded. Here goes


I should probably tell you that I'm damaged
Scars show themselves not on my skin but on my heart
Created by all the nevers and maybes
Each word left unspoken
Each syllable shouted instead of softly spoken
Each memory that was never shared
Each moment that was betrayed

They all leave holes that riddle me through
Until I'm nothing more than broken concrete
And though I should tear down the electric fences Ive surrounded myself with
I wont
Not for you
Not for myself
Not for anyone at all
Truth is I'm far to scared to do so

Because as far back as my memory can stretch
Every single person who said they'd never leave
Is no longer here

Starting Fresh

Today is a new day for me. Ive decided to start over. Give myself a second chance. Because I feel that if I'm to ever deserve a second chance from anyone else in this world I must first let myself feel that I am worth that chance to begin with. In this past year, so much has changed in my life. Everything is upside down from the way that it used to be. Ive endured more pain than i thought was ever possible. But the fact of the matter is, at the end of this all, I'm Still Standing. 

Looking back now i see how much I've changed. Some of it for the good, but also some for the bad. And I plan to change the bad parts starting today. Don't get me wrong, i know that no matter what i do some flaws will remain. No one is perfect. But having said that, i try to be completely honest with myself. And in doing so i realize there is so much that i do not like about myself. So much that i would like to change. I desire to be a better person not just on the outside but on the inside as well. I believe that if i try hard enough, change will happen. So long as I'm persistent. 

I know that i have a long journey ahead of me. Many miles of steps to take. No ones holding my hand this time. I walk alone. But that's something that Ive always done, which is something Ive decided I will change. Which is why i created this blog in the first place. Ive began to completely keep to myself. Sheltering my feelings and thoughts from those around me. From those who care about me. I'm now reaching out, teaching myself to once again be just a little more open. I consider this my first step.I need to do embark on this journey, not for anyone else but myself. I need this. And from here on out, i will begin to question my motives and thoughts.